A healthy sense of time makes all the difference when it comes to getting things done.Read More
I need your help with two things to make groups great this week.
1. We are doing a session called "The Secret Knowledge of Adults". Please share some things that you've learned through life experience that you wish you;d known at your child's age. They will be shared anonymously. How great is that? You get to share your hard won wisdom without the experience of eye rolling and deep sighs from your child!
2. We want you to be more informed about what we are talking about each week, so that you can follow up with your child and maybe spark some meaningful conversations around our curriculum. If you send me your cell number, I will send you a brief text message with a conversation starter based on something your child said or did during group, and even a photo of them in action if available.
Thank you for your help! See you all in group!
Recounting an important discussion about how to share your interests in a way that builds relationships rather than isolates.Read More
People always like to feel heard. Often, they need to feel heard in order to move past a difficult experience or process something exciting or upsetting. Knowing how to ask the right questions is a way to show empathy and can a powerful tool for building trust and intimacy.Read More
Tonight in middle school group we grappled with some complex moral issues. Below is a video and text of the Trolley Dilemma we discussed. This is an interesting problem because it sparked an interesting debate about whether this is simply a "Math problem" (the utilitarian view of morality) or if there were more complex factors involved.
There is a runaway trolley barreling down the railway tracks. Ahead, on the tracks, there are five people tied up and unable to move. The trolley is headed straight for them. You are standing some distance off in the train yard, next to a lever. If you pull this lever, the trolley will switch to a different set of tracks. However, you notice that there is one person on the side track. You have two options: (1) Do nothing, and the trolley kills the five people on the main track. (2) Pull the lever, diverting the trolley onto the side track where it will kill one person. Which is the correct choice?
As before, a trolley is hurtling down a track towards five people. You are on a bridge under which it will pass, and you can stop it by putting something very heavy in front of it. As it happens, there is a very fat man next to you – your only way to stop the trolley is to push him over the bridge and onto the track, killing him to save five. Should you proceed?
Many of the kids we work with have a difficult time identifying the things they love to do and what they are good at, either naturally or through applied effort. Part of this is just being an adolescent or teenager, but it is a key developmental task to experiment with and find passion and purpose.Read More
A meme is an idea, behavior, or style that spreads between people in a culture. One example of a meme is the arch in architecture, another is cat videos, or the question "would you rather fight one horse sized duck or 100 duck sized horses", currently circulating the internet, thoughtfully answered in the above video by Bill Murray.Read More
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks, and it is one of the most important factors in social emotional development. Confucius once said, “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” I was just a moderator at a community discussion in Tolland about raising resilient children and it got me thinking about what we can do in our smaller Kids Cooperate community to foster this critical social emotional skill.Read More
It has become conventional wisdom that we should try to replace negative thoughts with positive ones as quickly as possible but author Oliver Burkeman plumbs the philosophy of the Stoics to show that negative thinking can make a positive impact on our lives.Read More
One of the things that we wish for our children is for them to be as responsible (or more responsible) with money as we are. Giving your kiddo an allowance is a great teaching opportunity, and can ease the pain point of them asking for new and different toys. No amount of allowance is too small to start teaching financial literacy. When you give your child their allowance, this is a great time to talk about principles of saving, spending, and giving. I know some families that have their child keep separate envelopes for each purpose.
I strongly recommend that once you give your kiddo the money, you honor their choice of how to spend it. All of their choices, including poor choices and choices that provide only short term gratification are opportunities to learn lessons about needs versus wants and short term vs long term payoffs.
I also strongly suggest that you not tie allowance to household chores. As important as it is to learn about honest pay for honest work, it's equally important to learn that some things are done just because you are part of a household without the expectation of reward.
As exciting as Halloween can be, it also provokes a lot of anxiety. Here are a few suggestions for helping your child to cope with the scarier side of what can be a fun holiday.Read More
We have been talking in group about "reframing" the frustrations in our lives using a "but" or "and" strategy. When describing a situation we can add an "and" which brings an unexpected benefit into focus, or a "but" which means noting how it could have been worse but wasn't. New understanding of the science of neuroplasticity points to the importance of developing deeply ingrained habits of reframing.Read More
It's a challenge for children who have so many ideas rushing around their minds to know how and when to break into a conversation in a way that is not disruptive. They can become anxious about butting in, or conversely, disruptive to the conversation by contributing at an awkward or inappropriate time. But there is one trick for becoming a great conversationalist. Ready for this?Read More
Modeling positive and effective communication techniques is one of the most powerful ways you can help your child to become a good communicator themselves. When you are frustrated, or angry, this is the hardest, and best time to do this. Here are a few tips:Read More
Understanding the emotional intent of others can be daunting. This is where we get into some of the most common every day challenges that cause the biggest misunderstandings such as "laughing at" vs "laughing with" and "on purpose" vs "by accident".
This we begin a "theory of mind" curriculum, which will work towards developing an understanding of the motivations and intentions of other people. Neurologically, this relies heavily on a class of neuron called "mirror neurons" which activate when we watch another person and play an important role in decoding facial expression.
We will be working on understanding the mirror neuron system, as well as learning strategic ways to gather information using contextual clues.
See you in group!
School is back in full swing and the honeymoon period, if your child had one, is probably over. One of the most important skills your child can learn for success in relationships, school, and work is how to be an effective self advocate. Self advocacy means awareness if your strengths and challenges, identifying your goals, understanding the balance of rights and responsibilities, and effectively communicating these to others.
This week we will be learning about effective self advocacy with peers, teachers, and family members. We will be discussing points such as:
-Finding the balance between courteousness and assertiveness.
-Understanding and using a chain of command.
-Knowing your rights and responsibilities.
-Clearly communicating concerns and needs.
-Asking for help.
See you in group!
I wanted to introduce our wonderful new staff person, Kendall. I met Kendall this summer when she worked with me at our summer camp and was immediately impressed with her instinct for offering supportive, nurturing guidance. She will be with us for all Saturday groups. Here is her introduction...
My name is Kendall Sirica and I am a junior at Ellington High School. I play tennis in the spring, compete in mock trial during the winter, and take pictures of nature throughout the year. After high school I plan on majoring in psychology with a minor in special education.
Last week in groups we learned techniques for making small talk, and this week we will be mastering the art of story telling. I know from groups that the kids have so many stories in them, but often struggle to tell them in a way that connects rather than alienates the listener by getting bogged down in details and tangents. The good news is that the brain is hardwired to tell and enjoy stories. when we hear a story, we try to relate it to our stored memories. According to Leo Widrich of Lifehacker.com, "That's why metaphors work so well with us. While we are busy searching for a similar experience in our brains, we activate a part called insula, which helps us relate to that same experience of pain, joy, or disgust."
This week we will be learning how to tell interesting stories that connect with our audience and make us more interesting, persuasive, and fun to be around. Here's a sample:
1. Pay attention to your audience. If you are telling a story about Minecraft, you will lose an audience that doesn't know play going into too much detail. You can keep their attention by focusing on the universal what was funny? What did you enjoy most? What scared you, etc.
2. Be mindful of the line between embellishments and lies. If you are telling a true story, a certain amount of license is accepted when it comes to exaggeration but too much strays into lies. If your story is interesting to you, be confident that it is interesting enough to tell truthfully.
3. Have fun with language. Rather than overdoing it with superlatives (amazing, huge, etc.) Try using interesting synonyms.
What is 'Theory of Mind' and how does it affect our kids?
The first thing that springs to mind when we think of mind reading might be psychic fairs, palm readers and telepathy, but if we think about it, we engage in our own sort of mind reading every day. Though we aren't able to see exactly what others think, we can gauge people's inner thoughts and feelings through various means such as empathy, reading body language or thinking as objectively as we can about the inner lives of others. This is called Theory of Mind.
The neurotypical among us can understand and predict others' behavior to some degree by working out their desires, beliefs, emotions, intentions and perceptions. By doing this, we can acknowledge that the way we see the world is not the only way the world can be seen. We come to realize as we grow up that our experience of reality is only one part of the wider reality that includes us all.
People on the autism spectrum tend to find this more difficult. They can find it tough to recognize that others have their points of view, thoughts, plans and emotions. Understanding our kids' deficits in this area will enable us to help and support them in making social progress.
Theory of Mind and the Autism spectrum
People on the spectrum can have difficulty comprehending that others don't know something or that others different views or opinions. They can find it tough when someone doesn't have a response to their question or if a matter is subjective.
Understanding that their peers, classmates or workmates even have thoughts and emotions can be a problematic concept to grasp for someone on the spectrum, meaning they can unintentionally come across as uncaring or selfish.
If our child's actions are cruel or hurtful at times, it's helpful to remain mindful of the fact that it may not be their intention to hurt others. Their actions can come from a lack of comprehension about the effect they have on the people around them.
The limits of the Theory of Mind of those on the spectrum can be seen from a very young age.
As infants, children on the autism spectrum have less interest in faces and shared attention than their neurotypical peers.
By 2 years old they can usually understand the desires of others, but not quite as easily as neurotypical children. Another notable difference is their preference to play with objects as they are, rather than pretending the toy is something else. A neurotypical child may pretend a block is a car, but a child on the spectrum generally won't.
3 years old is when Theory of Mind increases rapidly in NT kids. The test psychologists use is called the Maxi test. The child tested is told a story about a little boy called Maxi who hides some chocolate in a cupboard then leaves the room. Maxi's mother then comes in and moves the chocolate to a drawer, leaving the room before Maxi comes in again. The child is then asked where Maxi will look to find the chocolate. Kids with a developed theory of mind know that Maxi will still look in the cupboard, unaware that his mother has moved it, whereas kids without a theory of mind will assume Maxi will look in the drawer.
NT kids will get better at this over time, about 20% of those tested at 30 months being successful, increasing to 50% at 44 months. The success rate for ASD kids tends to stick at 20%, regardless of intelligence level or age.
As kids get older this inability to know when others don't know things can cause problems. If your child gets delayed on their way to school or work because of a traffic jam, for example, they might not realize that they'll have to explain this to their teacher or boss. Rather, they'll assume that their boss or teacher already knows the reason for their tardiness. This could lead to strained interactions and misunderstandings.
A limited theory of mind means that those on the spectrum will also find it difficult to understand sarcasm, irony, white lies and metaphors, which is likely to limit their social success.
4 ways parents can help
1. Invest in some learning materials
The University of Cambridge, UK, has developed a comprehensive DVD and CD-Rom resource for teaching those on the spectrum about emotion. Learning about 412 human emotions through games, videos, voice clips and voice stories, your child can get a much needed boost for their Theory of Mind skills in a fun way.
2. Role playing and acting
Role playing can be a great way to develop empathy and understanding in our kids. Putting themselves in someone else's shoes allows them to get outside themselves and their own minds, something that would normally be very difficult for them.
If you're not sure where to start, don't worry - there are plenty of resources available to guide you. You might want to try Foundation Role Plays for Autism by Andrew Nelson or acting out one of your child's favorite story books.
3. Become their Theory of Mind coach
Psychologists have suggested that parents, teachers, family members or friends can become a Theory of Mind coach for a child on the autism spectrum. By going through your child's day with them, you can explain and describe the behaviors and emotions of others. Helping them to pick up on the nuances of facial expressions, tone of voice and body language will allow your child to gain a greater understanding of how they can interact with others successfully.
4. Find a social skills group
A group specially geared towards those on the spectrum can be a great help in boosting your child's social interactions. The facilitators are likely to use a range of different activities and exercises to increase your child's awareness of the thoughts and feelings of those around them, helping them to develop the Theory of Mind skills that will pave their way to success.